I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
