Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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