i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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