Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
