yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
