I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
