when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
