I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
