i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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