he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
