I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
