Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
