He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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