after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
