Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
