"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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