I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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