you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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