Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
