Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
