Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
