hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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