God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
