Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
