you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
