Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
