ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
