I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize