i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
