Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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