Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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