respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
