This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
