he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
