Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
