Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm at about main and main street
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
