I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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