it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
