My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
