I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
