Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
