I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
