if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
