This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize