He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
