Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
