My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
