So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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