tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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