Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
