I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
