he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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