can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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