wat bout pragnant strippers??
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i out mim tonsoeep
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