Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
