what day is it and did you see me today?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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