that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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