I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
