were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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