Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
